she was so not down for the gang bang
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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