1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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