god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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