cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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