We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
