Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
