I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize