my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
