I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
