dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
