mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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