btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
