also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
