you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
