my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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