No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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