sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
