I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize