I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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