I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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