i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
