Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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