Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
