I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
