oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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