and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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