So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
pray to the hookup gods
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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