Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
