It's like God shit irony all over that family
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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