watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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