Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
