Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We left the knife in your bed.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
