it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
