VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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