i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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