theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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