Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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