"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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