I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
