im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize