Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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