i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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