yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
