The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
