I am puke
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
