No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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