the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
