I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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