Too much gin, very little bucket
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
