He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
