soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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