He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
