I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
