I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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