ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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