Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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