If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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