she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize